(I am such a fool)
So much time has passed where I felt I couldn’t be myself… that I had so much on my mind that I couldn’t share… that I was a shell of my former self. I had to make some tough decisions. I’m not going into detail about my marriage woes. I still respect my husband despite any problems we’ve had. Beside, my blog isn’t a tool to bash or bully anyone. It’s about ME.
So in the past few weeks, my life’s journey basically came down to staying in a situation that I was used to, although unhealthy for me, or run blindly into the unknown, hoping I had a better opportunity at happiness, but not knowing if I would succeed. I was the Fool card in a tarot deck: the smiling, idealistic traveler who is about to walk of the cliff to either his doom or to new vistas… the quintessential Leap of Faith.
It’s been one week since I tagged along with my best friend who was moving to Austin, TX. So far, I’m relying on the kindness of friends and acquaintances. I’m staying on someone’s couch and receiving help with food/ groceries occasionally. It’s not bad- the weather here is great: sunny, clear, in the 70’s. This is a much welcome change from 26 degrees and snowing (the climate that my friend and I were in whilst loading her U-Haul). But the fact remains that even though I am adapting to my new town, new living environment, and new relationship status, I haven’t been able to explore the city or feel totally at ease because I have no income. I’m depleting my small amount of savings. I needs me a job! I have sent resumes galore, contacted various temp agencies and job postings, and have written enough cover letters that I could list creative writing as one of my proficient skills. So far not much luck.
This lack of certainty is making me very nervous, but I’m trying to focus on the positives of this experience. I’ve been very brave. At first I didn’t quite get this. Friends, when told of my decision to leave my husband and then also travel 1130 miles away, were astonished by my courage- thought I was doing something that they could never see themselves having the balls to do similar. I knew my decisions weren’t easy by any stretch, but wasn’t convinced of my bravery. I think I’m starting to get it now as I sit in a strange apartment complex, in an unfamiliar town, in a cloud of uncertainty. I do have friends here… I couldn’t have kept sane without them. But ultimately it comes down to me- my self-reliance to push me forward, earn money, and take care of my life. My friends will make sure I don’t starve or die in a ditch, but I need them as a balanced support system, not as a crutch or people to mooch off of. Also, I’m not good at accepting help from others… can you tell? Perhaps this is another lesson to be learned while staying here.
This is the year of me blazing my own trail. I want to create, spread my wings, and be my sparkly awesome me again. Can’t wait to get some money coming in so I can begin.
The point of this tale: I’m excited, but extremely nervous! But at least it makes for a good blog entry. Until next time…