Updates and Ponderings

Yes, I still exist, lol!

The past few months, I’ve been dealing with more health issues.  My doctor and allergist have found that I have several strong allergies that are probably the main cause of me feeling so crappy for awhile.  I’ve been taking allergy shots, but until my body acclimates to the shot, I’m even more sensitive to all my allergens, even the weaker ones.  So, for months, I’ve felt tired and weak, can’t go outside the house the majority of the time without a reaction, can’t go to friends’ houses who have pets or smoke without having a reaction, have to avoid all dairy and wheat because apparently I’m allergic and even if my allergy to them is on the low side, the shots could cause me to have a severe reaction…. this is all on top of the actual shot which can cause me to break out in hives. With all of this, I did go into a bout of depression and didn’t even celebrate my birthday, which was in April.

Good news is, I came out of the depression and have had time while feeling poorly to work on healing all my past trauma and baggage.  I’ve also had time to ponder the metaphysical and connect with my higher self.  And so much progress has been made!  Yes, there are still some fears and insecurities that I’m working on, but seriously, I have experienced breakthroughs in my thought processes!  Very exciting.  Also, while building up my self esteem and showing myself compassion, I have realized something important:  I am so much stronger than I had ever thought.  I went through so much emotional and mental pain and not only survived (which is amazing considering how many points in my life I was suicidal), but now have the self awareness to identify how my trauma affects my behavior and I’m working to heal that. My learning to love myself and building my self esteem is helping me feel that I am a capable person and that the things I regret doing towards others in my past and the many goals I had never accomplished were due to me doing the best I could at the time in those circumstances.  I am no longer going to compare my journey to others my age and feel that I have failed.  I can achieve my dreams despite my “late start” or the lack of encouragement from those around me. I am letting go of fear and anger from past abuse, so it no longer has control over me.  So yes, I have done so much inner work and it’s paying off.

Until my allergies are under control and some of my other health woes (like insomnia) are figured out, I am limited in what physical things I can accomplish, but THIS IS NOT PERMANENT.   Things will work out and I can create my own reality while remaining positive and continuing to love and heal myself.

So this is what I’ve been up to since my last post.  Not that people are waiting with baited breath to read my latest exploits (lol), but if someone happens upon my words and it helps them in some way, that would make me happy indeed 🙂

Doing a Happy Dance

I’m not usually one that toots their own horn, but there are positive things happening in my life right now that I’m so very happy and grateful for that I feel the need to share.

Despite having PCOS (which causes higher sugar levels and cholesterol issues (among other problems) and a hereditary predisposition to high cholesterol…
I am no longer pre-diabetic! My sugar levels are normal!!!
My “good” and “bad” cholesterol levels are now normal as well!!!!

Yes, I have other health problems that I’m still working on with my doctor, but these 2 things are awesome and an indication that my lifestyle changes are paying off.  I’m so excited and surprised 🙂

 

I have been creating many larger drawings in the past few weeks.  I have rendered works in this style before, but haven’t in quite some time (2 years I think- yikes!).  They also make me happy.  Like most artists, I don’t always like my creations and often times am not confident in my abilities.  When they say that ‘the artist is their own worst critic’, they are very much correct.  So, for me to be happy with something that I’ve made is a good thing indeed. But anyway new artwork to share…

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So my lovelies… what makes you happy?  What are you grateful and appreciative for?  Yes, world events are pretty bleak, and it is hard for many (myself included) to stay hopeful and positive right now.  So, it is important now more than ever to be aware of the things that are going well for you and hold on to that feeling.  Let those positive chunks of your life fuel your day.  It’s those bleak times, when many have lost hope, that we need those who are strong in their optimism to help others up.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day of awesome 🙂

Half-way Through Winter!

27d69ff85bbd9861e557cbe2e1363324Happy Imbolc/ Candlemass/ St. Brigid’s Day!

We are halfway between Winter and Spring!

Underground, nature is preparing for its time to show itself above the surface.  Just like your dreams, desires, and best self are currently held within, they will soon burst forth into fruition for all to see.

What awesome ideas lay inside your imagination waiting to take physical form?

Like snowdrops, what little signs of growth are being presented to you?

Fan the flames of your inner fire! Don’t be discouraged because your dreams haven’t come true in the physical world yet- for your Spring is coming soon!

The World Needs a Big Hug

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It’s been a strange January thus far.  I’ve done a lot of soul searching and had made great strides in my personal development.  I have delved deep and made progress, despite the churning of the emotional tides of the collective unconscious.  It’s difficult not to be distracted when you sense the world crying out in pain.  Anxiety, dread, and anger echo out, resonate, and amplify through many humans when we observe what is going on in our world.  Raw emotion builds exponentially and finds its home within everyone’s heart.  We are connected more than we realize and what we emote, spreads.

When all we hear people talk about, all we see on the news or on social media, or all we experience when we go to work or the store is the horrible aspects of life, we believe it to be all of reality… that only the negative is the norm. Same thing like when all we see in the news is a particular race seen in a bad light and/ or not represented equally in the images we see daily, we start to believe those bad qualities are the reality of what that race possesses.  Now whether you believe in the metaphysical or Jungian belief of how this phenomenon occurs or not, it can be measured and witnessed with our empirical senses.

We shape our own reality more than we realize.
People tend to dismiss “being positive” or being a force of love when there’s so many “important” and scary things in the world as stupid hippie crap. For those who need a “reasonable explanation” for stuff: the more we experience or think something, the brain creates neural pathways to making these connections easier. Using the example of the stressful political climate, our brains expect the horrible and crazy, expect anyone who doesn’t believe the same way is a dick, anyone that doesn’t look like us, to be a potential threat, expect that no real change or good can happen in the world. And thus our brains are shaped and thus our perceptions of reality and how we react are shaped.  But we can change the neural pathways of our brains by training our pathways to the positive and repeating.  And in the belief of the collective unconscious, affect what thoughts and feelings we are subconsciously “downloading”.


So the challenge I pose to all of us (which I know can be extremely difficult when stressed and scared as fuck), is to purposely remember all the good things that have happened each day- train your short term memory and then your long term memory that not only bad things happen in our world; do random acts of kindness- train your brain to associate happy feelings of generosity and happiness with interacting with other humans; do things that make you happy and be silly and happy with others- train your brain that this life is more joyful, than not… that we’re awarded when we’re positive.  
Time to exercise your mind and rework those synapses.  Pour in some calm and positivity into the “hive mind.

All it takes is love, joy, compassion, and all the sparkly good feeling stuff in life… and in time we’ll shape ourselves and this world for the better 🙂

So,  it’s late and I may have left out huge chunks of thought.  I may have to revise shit in the morning, lol.  In the meantime, meditate, find some clarity, and be kind to yourself and others.  There are many beautiful souls out there that care and wondrous, loving things happening on our blue rock.  Take a breath and have a (virtual) hug from me 🙂

New Year of Awesome!

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(a tipsy me during New Year’s Eve)

Hello lovely people who are actually reading this!

I hope everyone had an amazing New Year’s celebration and have a renewed sense of optimism of what 2017 may bring.  For New Year’s Eve, I went to a party over a friend’s house, actually drank alcohol (I have been giving it up and other foods for the sake of my health), played bartender for my friends (I like to do this), played Cards Against Humanity, set off confetti/ streamer poppers, laughed and did other stuff to ring in the new year.

Usually this is the time to set the dreaded “New Year’s Resolution”, but I don’t really have one except for what I have already been striving for in my continuing journey of healing.  I’ve been concentrating on my health and what things help ME be healthy, healing past baggage that’s been holding me back, a manifestation mindset, happiness, and being more of a loving being.  One thing new that I’ve been incorporating into my life this year, is writing down a daily list of positive things that have happened during the day.  Also, I have a goal of setting up a morning routine to keep me focused.  Ok, so I guess I do have a couple resolutions after all, lol!  It’s all good.  Beginnings and milestone dates are always times in which we tend to evaluate our lives, make goals, and decide what we wish would be different; whether it be the new year, the new moon, a big birthday (generally ending with a zero), a new job, a new life status, etc…  And this is a very good thing indeed.  Ok, not so much the beating yourself up for being “not as successful” as others at this age or being “sooooo old”.  That’s not good.  Comparing ourselves to others doesn’t really serve us anyway; it’s comparing ourselves to how we were earlier in our life journey- AND not looking at it with judgement!  The big thing is to hold ourselves accountable without being mean about it.  Feeling guilt, despair, or hopelessness won’t help us make positive changes in our life.  So my unsolicited advice (well honestly, it IS your choice to read my blog or not- just sayin’, ha ha ha!) is to have fun with your goals, improvements, etc…  When joy is present, it is amazing how far we can go and grow.  And yes, this is very much a work in progress for me and I intend not to bully myself if I’m not perfect at this 24/7.  You may think that the previous sentence sounds strange, but seriously self perfection and self loathing have been big struggles throughout my life, so it’s a mindset that’s good for me to have. Now I have the phrase “huggle the struggle” in my mind, LOL!  That actually is a good little mantra and I think I will use that from now on 🙂

So, what about you?  What are things in your life that you’re feeling inspired to change or improve?  What ways can you be kind to yourself while you are learning new thought processes and skills?  What brings you joy?

I hope the first few days of 2017 have been great for you all and here’s to 362 more!

and…

HUGGLE THE STRUGGLE!

Out of Darkness Shines the Light

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(let the silliness of the season commence!)

Happy Yuletide everyone!  I’m just drinking some hot chocolate out of a penguin cup as you do on the longest night of the year.

The past week I’ve been heavy in thought.  I’ve been highly introspective and analyzing the root of all of my insecurities and baggage.  Yeah, talk about a heavy undertaking and around the holidays, too!  Why do I do such things to myself?  Lol!  For some reason, I feel this compulsion; an impetus to purge all my issues… if that makes any sense.  Anyway, getting to the core and letting go of what holds me back will be awesome in the long run.  Perhaps the mental discomfort and emotional discontent are just symptoms of my transformation; I’ll get through this and emerge as a kick-ass butterfly.  At least one can hope.  Just like the winter solstice, it’s death of the darkness to give birth to the light.  Looking forward to a brighter 2017 indeed.  My low self esteem and old childhood wounds are still a recurring theme even after all of these years.  So frustrating.  So at this time, I’m trying to keep in mind to be gentle with myself and not to be such a perfectionist.  I have been improving and honing myself over the decades and a bad day(s) does not equate failure.  Yes, my super ego is an asshole, lol.  I need to give it love even when it’s “saying” such horrible things.  And that’s the big goal of the coming year… show love to everyone… no matter what.  Easier said than done indeed… it’s instinctual to react to hostility with hostility, and hurtfulness with defensiveness.  Hard to remember that this 3rd dimensional drama on this blue sphere is just an illusion.  At our essence, we are beings of love and light, not our physical form, and not the pain (and reactions to such pain) we’ve gathered in our lives.  So not only do I want to view people as loving beings that are merely bogged down by the illusions of “reality”, but I need to be gentle with MYSELF and view MYSELF as a light being having a human experience as well.  At least that’s the plan, lol.  Like most things in life, it’s a work in progress.

So what about you, lovely people out there?  What darkness are you carrying around?  Where in your life could you show compassion… to others AND yourself?  Time to accept our pain and darkness and love ourselves through it… for the light is about to get brighter!

Happy Yule!  And have a Happy Holiday of your choosing.  Enjoy a cup of cheer and look forward to an even better new year!

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Much Ado About Drawing

Hello friends of art and friends of heart…

The past week has been strange… mainly dealing with various health conditions I have.  BUT, when it comes to art, there has been only one topic on my mind:  drawing.   Recently, I’ve been going through old sketchbooks of mine to organize all of my 5.5 x 8.5 drawings into display binders.  I’ve also been spray fixing drawings that were never sprayed.  A word of advice, ALWAYS SPRAY YOUR DRAWINGS ASAP!  Some are, unfortunately, a smeary mess.  So, I’m spraying and organizing, but also keeping in mind that I’ve been wanting to post some of my sketches on my blog for awhile now.  I have no idea why I hadn’t done this earlier.  Seriously, life drawing is my strongest talent out of the various media I create in.  Oh well, better late than never.

(also sorry about the quality of these pics; I don’t have access to a scanner)

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Obviously, besides drawing people in general, my passion is drawing musicians as they play.  Yes, this is my absolute favorite!  I love music anyway, but drawing as it’s being performed transports me into a unique moment of awesomeness.  I get zoned out into art mode, so instead of paying super attention to the words or the performers, I FEEL the music.  It’s as if I’m rendering the musician, the music pouring out of them, the energy, and their soul all at the same time.  Best thing in the world indeed!  Recently, I’ve mainly had the opportunity to draw patrons of a hookah bar my friends and I frequent.  I don’t smoke, but chill out in the moment when I put pencil to page.  I get to see bands here and there, but not nearly as much as I used to years back.  It is what it is.  Hopefully when my health and energy improves, I can get out to venues again.

A cool drawing opportunity coming up is happening this Thursday.  An acquaintance of mine runs a Transgender Community Group. (I totally forget the name!  I’ll have to “plug” them later, lol).  They have an annual Christmas party that’s apparently an absolute blast.  I’m donating my talents for the evening and doing small portraits of the guests.  I’ve never done live drawing as a feature of an event before, but I’m super exited!  Also, I can’t wait to meet the guests and give them a little a gift of support in seeing themselves as they wish to be presented.  I’ve been told that a good portion of the group is not open about their gender identity outside the safety of the events this organization presents, so I feel honored to be able to contribute what talents and time I can to support them.

And yet, this is another reason to have my display binders ready, ha ha ha.  It would be nice to show more examples of my work (seriously I have hundreds of drawings… the majority of which still need to sprayed, ugh!)  And my ramblings come full circle to the non-fun responsibilities of art life, lol.

But yes, drawing, drawing, drawing!  And I finally posted some of my sketches as promised.

Next time I’ll share some of my abstract portraiture…

Until then, may art fill your heart ’til joy comes out.  (I really wished “out” rhymed with “art”.  Just pretend it does, lol!)

Poem About a Park

I’ve been going through a pile of papers today… mainly consisting of old ideas, drawings, and thoughts scribbled down for later use. While organizing and purging said pile, I came upon a poem/ prose/ whatever I wrote during the end of Summer/ beginning of Fall of this year.  I actually like it, lol!  So here you all go…

Branches of elk horn and velvet leaves sprouted before I was born; when the park was more raw and without pristine bike paths.  Playgrounds of ergonomic safety built upon the backs of their steel predecessors; whose bars would burn your hands in the summer sun.  How our parents never questioned those metal dinosaurs, that is, if they were there.  Roaming free from the house is something these children will never know.  Like me with book straps and penny candy, it’s such an old fashioned notion.  Freedom seems to be these days.

Positive Highlights During a Crazy Ass 2016

Wow, it’s December!

2016 has gone by quickly, and simultaneously can’t be over soon enough!  There’s been a lot of crazy crap happening this year for many, it seems, and tensions are high.

But let’s forget about that for a bit…

Think of something that makes you happy, something that you enjoy doing, something makes you smile… anything that has shone some light for you during this challenging year.

I’ll go first 😉

I’m so thankful and appreciative for the friends and family in my life, my PTSD fading out and being practically non-existent the past few months, having the opportunities to be more social and meeting new people, creating art and bringing my sketchbook with me as a habit again, and thinking more positively in general.  I’m grateful for where I am and how I’m feeling.  I am so very happy and looking forward to what’s next for me.

So how about you, my lovelies?  What gives you joy, excitement, and appreciation?  Let’s share a moment together as fellow inhabitants of the Big Blue Ball Drama.  (And yes, I have some joke about blue balls in my head right now because that’s how my mind works.  I know have a problem, but I enjoy it way too much.  Anyway, I was talking about positivity and stuff…)

I spread love and joy to you all… via the inter-webs 😉

(and drawings to be posted soon, I promise!)