The World Needs a Big Hug

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It’s been a strange January thus far.  I’ve done a lot of soul searching and had made great strides in my personal development.  I have delved deep and made progress, despite the churning of the emotional tides of the collective unconscious.  It’s difficult not to be distracted when you sense the world crying out in pain.  Anxiety, dread, and anger echo out, resonate, and amplify through many humans when we observe what is going on in our world.  Raw emotion builds exponentially and finds its home within everyone’s heart.  We are connected more than we realize and what we emote, spreads.

When all we hear people talk about, all we see on the news or on social media, or all we experience when we go to work or the store is the horrible aspects of life, we believe it to be all of reality… that only the negative is the norm. Same thing like when all we see in the news is a particular race seen in a bad light and/ or not represented equally in the images we see daily, we start to believe those bad qualities are the reality of what that race possesses.  Now whether you believe in the metaphysical or Jungian belief of how this phenomenon occurs or not, it can be measured and witnessed with our empirical senses.

We shape our own reality more than we realize.
People tend to dismiss “being positive” or being a force of love when there’s so many “important” and scary things in the world as stupid hippie crap. For those who need a “reasonable explanation” for stuff: the more we experience or think something, the brain creates neural pathways to making these connections easier. Using the example of the stressful political climate, our brains expect the horrible and crazy, expect anyone who doesn’t believe the same way is a dick, anyone that doesn’t look like us, to be a potential threat, expect that no real change or good can happen in the world. And thus our brains are shaped and thus our perceptions of reality and how we react are shaped.  But we can change the neural pathways of our brains by training our pathways to the positive and repeating.  And in the belief of the collective unconscious, affect what thoughts and feelings we are subconsciously “downloading”.


So the challenge I pose to all of us (which I know can be extremely difficult when stressed and scared as fuck), is to purposely remember all the good things that have happened each day- train your short term memory and then your long term memory that not only bad things happen in our world; do random acts of kindness- train your brain to associate happy feelings of generosity and happiness with interacting with other humans; do things that make you happy and be silly and happy with others- train your brain that this life is more joyful, than not… that we’re awarded when we’re positive.  
Time to exercise your mind and rework those synapses.  Pour in some calm and positivity into the “hive mind.

All it takes is love, joy, compassion, and all the sparkly good feeling stuff in life… and in time we’ll shape ourselves and this world for the better 🙂

So,  it’s late and I may have left out huge chunks of thought.  I may have to revise shit in the morning, lol.  In the meantime, meditate, find some clarity, and be kind to yourself and others.  There are many beautiful souls out there that care and wondrous, loving things happening on our blue rock.  Take a breath and have a (virtual) hug from me 🙂

Out of Darkness Shines the Light

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(let the silliness of the season commence!)

Happy Yuletide everyone!  I’m just drinking some hot chocolate out of a penguin cup as you do on the longest night of the year.

The past week I’ve been heavy in thought.  I’ve been highly introspective and analyzing the root of all of my insecurities and baggage.  Yeah, talk about a heavy undertaking and around the holidays, too!  Why do I do such things to myself?  Lol!  For some reason, I feel this compulsion; an impetus to purge all my issues… if that makes any sense.  Anyway, getting to the core and letting go of what holds me back will be awesome in the long run.  Perhaps the mental discomfort and emotional discontent are just symptoms of my transformation; I’ll get through this and emerge as a kick-ass butterfly.  At least one can hope.  Just like the winter solstice, it’s death of the darkness to give birth to the light.  Looking forward to a brighter 2017 indeed.  My low self esteem and old childhood wounds are still a recurring theme even after all of these years.  So frustrating.  So at this time, I’m trying to keep in mind to be gentle with myself and not to be such a perfectionist.  I have been improving and honing myself over the decades and a bad day(s) does not equate failure.  Yes, my super ego is an asshole, lol.  I need to give it love even when it’s “saying” such horrible things.  And that’s the big goal of the coming year… show love to everyone… no matter what.  Easier said than done indeed… it’s instinctual to react to hostility with hostility, and hurtfulness with defensiveness.  Hard to remember that this 3rd dimensional drama on this blue sphere is just an illusion.  At our essence, we are beings of love and light, not our physical form, and not the pain (and reactions to such pain) we’ve gathered in our lives.  So not only do I want to view people as loving beings that are merely bogged down by the illusions of “reality”, but I need to be gentle with MYSELF and view MYSELF as a light being having a human experience as well.  At least that’s the plan, lol.  Like most things in life, it’s a work in progress.

So what about you, lovely people out there?  What darkness are you carrying around?  Where in your life could you show compassion… to others AND yourself?  Time to accept our pain and darkness and love ourselves through it… for the light is about to get brighter!

Happy Yule!  And have a Happy Holiday of your choosing.  Enjoy a cup of cheer and look forward to an even better new year!

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Out of the Ashes Once More

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So it’s been about 2 years since I’ve written.

Wow.

Many changes have occurred during that time, of course… ups and downs, new drawings, a new job, stressful new work schedule, an art showing, relationship changes, surgery, a renewed sense of self, a situation that derailed my progress and brought back my PTSD symptoms…

2016 was a hell of a year. My PTSD had taken hold so strongly.  My existence pretty much consisted of staying alive and trying not to let on how scared and hurting I was… to appear to be “normal”.  Also, I was coming to terms that my trauma was from more than just mental and emotional abuse, that there were reasons I would be triggered during intimacy and that sexual situations I normally would enjoy, now filled me with fear.

Anyway, I’m not writing to focus on the pain, but upon my journey since. So much inner work, insights, and alternative healing methods led me out of that dark period (alternative healing methods were sought after several months of not being able to see a counselor – yay for the American health system!). I am so amazed and grateful to be my own sparkly self again.  I became social, more trusting, and confident. I was creating art again, reconnected with my psychic abilities, and gained clarity on what I wanted my future to look like.

So here I am at the end of November 2016 and this phoenix is soaring high.  I’m filled with ideas, ambitions, and hopes to explore… one being this blog.  The past few months of healing has made me ponder on ways to make this world a better place and how to spread joy.  I also came to the notion that I should share my insights during my journey and happiness projects I wish to execute, in case it would help or inspire others.

My future goals:

~Create art and actually PROMOTE it.  Like most artists, I’m clueless about marketing my talents.  This was brought to light again just recently when I was doing a live drawing at a hookah bar, and an acquaintance exclaimed “How are you not making any money off of this”?!?!

~Compose music, re-teach myself how to play the piano, and record music.  Music used to be such an important part of my life. Not only do I want to create in this medium again, but I also wish to SHARE IT WITH OTHERS.

~Spread joy! To put into action all those kindness ideas I’ve had for so long AND GET OTHERS INVOLVED. Make love and compassion a trend 🙂

~Write and share my poetry and my thoughts about life in general.

So this is me at this moment in time… being a silly unicorn fairy goddess again and ready to create my reality… and taking all of you lovely people with me for the ride 😉

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Some Ponderings About Depression

I know lately I’ve been focused on sharing my art work and the process behind what I do, but tonight my head is heavy with thought.  My ponderings are of a serious tone tonight.

There was a comment that one of my friends made today on Facebook about some guy who committed suicide… that the person was selfish for taking his own life and how he’s needlessly causing his family pain.  This struck a nerve with me.  I had mentioned in a previous post about having personal experience with depression.  I do understand how someone could see the situation in the way like my friend did.  All you see is someone who had shloads of potential and they cut their life short.  All you see are the people who are left behind grieving.  One, I would hope that people could give the deceased a little compassion without having to personally walk in their shoes… obviously they were in some sort of mental anguish to get to the point where dying seemed more preferable.  But two, I also know that some people have to experience something first hand before they can see from another perspective.  So another perspective I shall give…

First of all- was there ever a time where you were depressed?  I mean utter despair… a horrible break up, a huge betrayal from someone you know and trusted, someone close to you dying, or some other tragedy… not something that is really sad, but you can get over it in a few days… I mean something that upsets your very core and feels like it will never get better.  Now imagine having those feelings without any tragic event triggering it.  You’re just doing your normal thing and this deep sadness overwhelms you and your thoughts begin to circle around the hopelessness of any obstacles that life may bring.  Normally you’re pretty upbeat, but today you can’t stop thinking about all the suffering in the world and how it feels there is nothing that can be done to stop it.  Or you think of how you put your foot in your mouth sometime in the past and now are convinced that you pissed your friends off and how you really are an insensitive jerk of person anyway.  You may even try thinking positively and try to say to yourself that you don’t really “know” that people are unhappy with you and perhaps it’s just all in your head.  The unfortunate thing is that your brain isn’t operating logically at this time.

The brain is a storm of chemical reactions, synapses firing, and hormones giving messages.  What if that process was out of whack?  What if there was something happening inside of it preventing it from reasoning properly?  One, it would be a terrifying feeling… for your mind- the center of your consciousness- to not be working.   How horrifying to not be in control of your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions?   This is what it can be like to have clinical depression.  Logic doesn’t work.  Whatever troubling thoughts you have, even if highly unlikely, seem like the absolute truth.  So if normally you could see where you have good things going in your life worth living for and that a bad day isn’t permanent, that isn’t necessarily the case when you’re experiencing depression.  And the mental pain really sucks!  Remember how I said it feels like a tragic event has happened without the event needing to take place?  So not only are all these askewed thoughts going through your head, you’re aslo feeling the worst sadness imaginable.   Believe me that there are times when death seems preferable.   There are times I’m convinced that friends hate me, or that I can never accomplish anything in life, or that life is so cruel and why should I bother trying.  On the flip side- there is someone I deeply love and am looking forward to spending more time with, I have a potential art career budding, and I am a creative silly person who loves to do things to make positive change in the world.  But if I were in a certain state of mind, my thoughts would convince me that there is no hope, it’s pointless to try to improve the world , or my special someone would be better off with someone else and deserves better than someone who is crazy… if I were suicidal, I could reason that he and other close friends would get over it if I wasn’t around anymore.  Now don’t worry- I’m NOT suicidal.  As much as I may be dipping into depression the past couple of days, I am not in that frame of mind.  But this is an example of a possible scenario.  Luckily I have coping mechanisms, therapy under my belt, some medicine in my system, and knowledge of what to do if my thoughts did turn that severe.  Normally I wouldn’t be too comfortable sharing such intimate personal details like this on a blog.  But the suicide discussion today made me realize that talking about such things may help with others understanding.  Especially when some off-base notions were being mentioned; a notion like the one I’m about to describe.

Another comment that was brought up in that conversation was how crappy people who commit suicide are to think they are in pain when there are people dying of cancer and such.  This is the stigma people with mental illnesses have had to endure for a long time.  This is PAINFUL condition.  No bones are broken, no tumors causing blinding sharp physical pain… but mental pain IS painful.  People brush off emotional pain or pain of the mind as not real.  Is it because they can’t hear the person’s inner thoughts or feel what they are feeling?  I’m not sure.  I guess awesome for them for never having to go through that… to be able to go for their goals and pursue their desires without their brain interfering or their self preservation instinct not functioning properly.   I guess what it comes down to is compassion.  If someone is hurting, why not believe them?  Why does it come down to a “scar contest” and who’s wounds are the most severe?  The thing about our minds is that no one experiences life the same.  The way we perceive and our thought processes are hidden from view.  Even the way we see the color “blue” is different and we’ll never know what a friend’s blue looks like without seeing it through their eyes; without processing it with their mind.

So remember that we all have these hidden worlds and some people’s worlds are on fire.  Instead of judging them or discounting their struggle, you could offer them some water.

Just a thought.